Fifteen years ago, I attended my very first Individualized Education Program (IEP) meeting. Nick was six years old and struggling in school.
After a few years of advocating for him, I decided to attend the Federation for Children with Special Needs’ Parent Consultant Training Institute (PCTI). I wanted to be a better advocate for Nick—to make sure I was doing everything possible to get him the support he needed.
During the nine-week program, I started thinking about becoming an educational advocate. People were already reaching out to me with questions about IEPs and special education, so it felt like a natural progression.
But after finishing PCTI, I still didn’t feel like I knew enough to help other parents confidently. So I did what I always do: I researched. And that’s how I found the Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates (COPAA) and their Special Education Advocate Training (SEAT) 2.0 program.
COPAA is a national nonprofit organization that educates parents, trains advocates, and protects the rights of students with disabilities.
While PCTI focused mostly on special education laws specific to Massachusetts, COPAA’s SEAT 2.0 focused on the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), which is the federal law that governs special education in the U.S.
SEAT 2.0 is a ten-month intensive program—and it was hard. Really hard.
(And I took four different statistics courses, so I know hard!)
But after finishing SEAT 2.0, I felt far more prepared to assist parents with the IEP process.
That training helped me understand not just the process, but the legal framework behind it—including the difference between federal and state law.
Here’s a really simple way to understand the difference between federal law and state law: federal law sets the minimum requirements. Think of it like the basement—states can build on top of that and add even stronger protections, but they can’t go below it. State law can give families more rights than IDEA, but it’s not allowed to give less.
With that quick explanation out of the way, I want to share ten things I think parents should know about IEPs and IEP meetings. Some, none, or all of these may apply to your situation.
This list comes from my years of advocating for Nick and from my work supporting other families professionally.
This post is for parents (or anyone parenting a child with special needs) who are new to IEPs, feel overwhelmed by the process, or simply want to be better prepared for their next meeting.
So here we go (I’m feeling a little like David Letterman here 😄)…
1. IEP meetings can be emotional and overwhelming.
IEP meetings are stressful, and nothing really prepares you for them. You may hear a LOT about what your child can’t do, and very little about what they can. That part is incredibly hard. But the purpose of the meeting is to build a plan that will help your child learn in the way that works best for them. To do that, the team has to identify what isn’t working so everyone knows what needs to be addressed and what supports are needed.
The members of the team aren’t being mean. They aren’t attacking your child. They’re doing their job—even when it doesn’t feel that way. You may get upset, and there’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. Try to remember that the goal is to get your child the help they need.
That perspective can be hard to hold onto in the beginning.
Those first few meetings are often the lowest of the low. Over time, you will start to see your child’s progress. It probably won’t be fast or consistent—but it will happen.
Progress is what sustained me during the difficult times. I constantly reminded myself, “Nick was able to do this, so he’ll be able to do that.”
2. Your child has rights.
Under federal law, your child has the right to a Free Appropriate Public Education (FAPE) in the Least Restrictive Environment (LRE). This means the school must meet and support your child’s needs in the mainstream classroom with non-disabled peers to the greatest extent appropriate.
Your child has the right to an IEP, and the IEP must be written for your child’s specific needs—not a generic plan, not what the school usually does, and not a one-size-fits-all program.
IEP decisions should also be data-driven, based on teacher observations, evaluations, and work samples. This means the school must be able to show evidence of what your child does—or doesn’t—need.
If the school can’t show data, it’s reasonable to ask how a decision was made.
3. You, as the parent, have rights.
You have the right to be part of your child’s team, part of the decision-making process, and part of writing the IEP.
If you disagree with the school, you have the right to request an Independent Educational Evaluation (IEE). If the school district refuses to fund the IEE, they must file for Due Process to show that their evaluation was appropriate.
You have the right to be informed of meetings and proposed changes. You also have the right to give permission for evaluations and services—and it is within your rights to agree, withhold, or withdraw that permission.
Communication from the school district must be provided in your native language and in clear, understandable terms.
You have the right to review your child’s educational record.
4. Information about the meeting.
You can bring a friend, support person, parent, sibling, or advocate to the meeting with you. You can also bring a lawyer, but you should inform the school ahead of time. If you bring a lawyer without notifying the school, the district will likely reconvene the meeting at a later date.
You should take notes. Your support person should also take notes. Some parents choose to record the meeting. If you decide to do this, be sure to check your state laws regarding recording and notify the school in advance if required.
Many parents don’t realize they can request a short break to use the restroom, make an important phone call, or simply take a moment. If the meeting runs longer than expected or you become overwhelmed, you can request to stop the meeting and reconvene at a later date.
5. Remember: an IEP is a legal document.
The IEP is a legally binding agreement between you and your school district. It can be amended if needed—and you should never feel pressured to sign it at the IEP meeting.
The school will mail or email the document to you. Personally, I like to read an IEP three times. The first time, I read it straight through. The second time, I compare it with both my notes and the school’s meeting notes. Then I let it sit for a few days and read it again with fresh eyes.
You will need to sign the IEP in two places. You can accept, partially accept, or refuse the placement (where your child will receive special education services). You can also accept, partially accept, or refuse the IEP as developed.
In Massachusetts, you have 30 school working days after receiving the IEP to review and sign it.
(Important: any IEP—and other important documents—must be provided to you in your native language.)
6. There are no stupid questions.
It’s hard to be a special needs parent at an IEP meeting. You may have a support person (or two), but you’re surrounded by school staff who attend IEP meetings all the time. If you don’t understand what’s happening or what’s being discussed, ask for clarification.
When it comes to supporting your child’s unique needs, there are no stupid questions. A good team will understand that—and if they don’t, who cares? If you asked a “dumb” question and got a much-needed answer, what does it matter what the team thinks? They are there to help your child, not to be your new best friends.
7. Find and use resources.
There are services and supports available to parents of children with disabilities. Here in Massachusetts, all school districts are required to have a Special Education Parent Advisory Council (SEPAC).
A SEPAC is a parent-run organization that helps facilitate communication between families and the school district. It also works to educate, inform, and support parents of children with disabilities. I belonged to several SEPACs in my area, and I found them very resourceful and helpful. It was reassuring to know someone could answer my questions—or at least point me in the right direction.
(Note: a SEPAC is different from, and unrelated to, the PTO.)
Under IDEA, each state must also have at least one Parent Training Center. These organizations may go by several names, including Parent Training and Information Centers (PTIs), Community Parent Resource Centers (CPRCs), or Parent Information Centers (PICs). They provide education and training to help parents effectively advocate for their children.
You can find more information about these centers here:
https://www.parentcenterhub.org/find-your-center/#info
8. Communicate with the school staff in a clear, calm, and unemotional manner.
Essentially, don’t be a jerk, and don’t be difficult to work with. It doesn’t matter whether or not you like the teacher—they should still be treated respectfully. If you want to be treated with kindness and respect, you need to treat the school staff in a similar manner.
One of the trainings I attended years ago described the parent–school relationship as a “marriage without the possibility of divorce.” And it’s very true. Whether you like it or not, you will be working with this team for at least the next year—possibly longer.
IEP meetings are hard—believe me, I get it. It’s easy to say “stay unemotional,” but much harder to actually do it. If you’re struggling with something the school staff is saying or doing, say something. Maybe you don’t understand why your child no longer receives a service, or you find the way something is being handled upsetting. Either way, speak up.
Asking questions doesn’t make you difficult—it makes you involved.
Some parents think that having an IEP means they can ask anything and everything of teachers. That’s simply not true.
If a child has modified schoolwork or homework, they may be expected to complete half of an assignment or work for a set amount of time—such as 20 minutes—before a parent signs off. It does not mean the child doesn’t have to complete the work at all.
What is expected of your child under a modification should be clearly communicated to you. If it isn’t, ask.
Personally, I found email to be the best way to communicate with teachers and team members. Email allowed me to write what I wanted to say, set it aside, and reread it before sending. It also helped me keep emotion out of the conversation. Lastly, it gave me a written record to refer back to if I needed proof or clarification on a particular matter.
If you need to sign a document and drop it off at the school or special education office, make sure you hand it directly to someone who works there. Ask the person to initial and date the document, then give you a copy. Keep that copy with your other student documents—or scan it and save a digital version.
9. Parents should focus on their child meeting goals, not getting them off the IEP as quickly as possible.
Some parents see their child’s IEP as a source of embarrassment; others believe the goal is to get their child off the IEP as soon as possible.
The purpose of an IEP is for your child to be educated—it’s not a race. Does it matter if they exit special education in fifth grade? Or graduate high school with an IEP? Absolutely not. What matters is that the child is receiving the support they need and making progress.
If a child receives reading services and those services are removed too quickly, they may struggle unnecessarily. If the goal is to end the service rather than to not need the service, time and resources are being wasted—and the child is the one who pays the price.
10. You are an expert, too.
At the center of every IEP goal, evaluation, and meeting is your child. The school staff may be experts in teaching reading, writing, or how to hold a pencil properly. Sitting at the IEP table can be intimidating—especially when it feels like everyone else in the room is an expert. But you are an expert too. You are the expert in your child.
You are the person your child comes home to. You know when they walked or talked, whether they did their homework or read their summer reading book—or played Nintendo Switch instead of studying. That knowledge matters.
It took me a long time to realize that I was the Nick expert. I knew more about him than anyone else at that table, and I was a valuable member of his IEP team.
School was hard for Nick for many years, so I learned to celebrate every victory—big or small. Let the school track what your child can’t do; that’s their job. You’re allowed to focus on what your child can do.
Progress was slow sometimes. Some years, I had to look really hard to find something to celebrate. But growth isn’t always fast—sometimes it takes months or even years. That doesn’t make it any less real.
Yes, Nick graduated high school with an IEP. But the important part is that he graduated. The extra support didn’t make his diploma worth less—if anything, it shows how hard he worked to earn it.
And no one can look at him or his diploma and say, “Oh my god, you graduated high school on an IEP.” The opinion of anyone who thinks being on an IEP is a problem doesn’t matter. All kids struggle. All of them.
Brain Fog & Brilliance 
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