I Have the Keys… But Not to Adulthood

Things have changed slightly since I was a kid… okay, maybe a bit more than slightly.

As we grow up, we create living definitions of the things around us. As a small child, I probably defined an adult as someone who was tall.

Of course, when you’re two and measure 30 inches from head to toe, everyone is tall. Life has a way of challenging our definitions, though, and over time, they change.

As a teenager, I defined an adult as someone who had four or more keys on their keyring.

A few years later, I was officially an adult—I was the proud owner of four keys.

The keys on my keyring? The key to my apartment, my mailbox, and my car keys—one for the ignition and the other for the trunk.

Clearly, I’m still an adult. I have more than the required four keys… but my car key is no longer one of them.

Now I have a key fob and an app for my car—unless you count the emergency key hidden inside the fob. What this key actually goes to, I’m not entirely sure, since my car has no keyholes.

Maybe it’s there for nostalgic purposes. Maybe it’s there just to remind me that I have no idea how the vehicle works.

Or maybe it’s the ultimate prank, and there’s absolutely nothing it fits.

The other keys on my ring? The keys to my house, as well as my parents’ and in-laws’ (a house my in-laws haven’t lived in for many years), a random suitcase key, and the key to a filing cabinet I no longer own.

Nowhere in the definition of “adult” does it say the keys have to be useful.

Still, if removing the outdated keys leaves me with only two… does that mean I’m no longer an adult?

Hmm. Interesting.

Here are a few other things that used to indicate you were an adult:

• Owning a landline
• Keeping a road map that lived permanently in your glove box
• Balancing a checkbook
• Paying your bills by mail
• Carrying cash in your purse or wallet “just in case”
• Having an outdated printout of trip tickets from AAA
• Owning a filing cabinet with file folders and actual paperwork inside

I’m now questioning the validity of my adult status.

I haven’t owned a landline in at least ten years. There’s no paper map in my glove box—though thanks to my dad, I do know how to fold one. I’m not sure when I last mailed a payment, but I do know the stamp didn’t cost more than the bill.

A checkbook? I think I owned one of those at one time.

As for files, I have plenty—but they aren’t paper, and my “filing cabinet” lives on my computer.

Maybe I need to dig deeper and consider what really makes someone an adult… but that sounds suspiciously like the responsible thing to do.

So instead, I’m going with the obvious option: I’m removing the old keys from my keyring and fully embracing my new non-adult status.

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