Have you ever thought life would be so much easier if humans came with a rule book?
Of course, the rule book would probably be incredibly difficult to understand—and so boring you’d catch yourself falling asleep every two words.
So I’ve decided to write that wrong…I mean, right that wrong.
I present to you: The Handbook for Humans —
The Official Unofficial Guide to Being Human
I promise it won’t be boring.
And if you think of a rule that should be included, definitely share it.
Adulting Is the Ultimate Lie
Most adults have no idea what they’re doing.
They look like adults and do adult things—
food shopping, making dinner, doing laundry.
But the truth is we’re all just faking it until we make it.
And some of us have been faking it for so long, we’ve forgotten that we’re faking it.
Making the Same Noise Three Times (or More) Is Annoying
This one is an official rule in our house.
Nick once went through a chirping phase—
he made the same chirping noise, over and over again.
It drove me absolutely nuts.
So we instituted this rule.
And yes—it applies in public.
Many Situations Are All-or-Nothing
You decide to try a new recipe for a family get-together.
It will either be:
- Completely disgusting
or - Shockingly, unbelievably delicious
There is no in-between.
And if you run out of an ingredient and substitute something else and the result is fantastic, you will never remember what you replaced—or with what.
There Is No Safe Place
Do not put important things in a “safe place.”
You will never remember where that place is.
The more important the item,
the weirder and more obscure the hiding spot will be.
You will remember ten places you considered putting it,
but not the actual place you put it.
The Loudness of Food Packaging Is Directly Related to How Sneaky You’re Trying to Be
If you’re trying to quietly steal and eat some of the kids’ Halloween candy,
that packaging will instantly become the loudest material known to man.
This is science.
And I know science when I see it.
Don’t forget—I’m a scientist.
If You Get an Unfamiliar Gadget to Work, It Will Work Once, And Only Once
You will have absolutely no idea what you did to make it work.
Attempting to recreate the process will only anger the device.
But if someone says, “Let me try,”
it will work instantly—
even if they do the exact same thing you just tried fifteen times.
Carrying Multiple or Awkward Items Guarantees Disaster
If you’re carrying multiple or awkward items, everything will go exactly as planned—unless someone is watching.
The moment a single eye turns in your direction, disaster is inevitable.
You will trip or sneeze.
You will drop everything.
You will immediately look around, embarrassed, to confirm that yes—someone saw.
Whether or not the observer offers to help, they are required to stare at you for 30–60 seconds first, silently deciding what the appropriate response might be.
Don’t Stare
There are moments when staring cannot be avoided. Like when someone is actively test-driving a product you wouldn’t normally try on in the middle of a store.
If you must stare (and sometimes you must), the rule is simple:
Be discreet.
Lean slightly.
Use your peripheral vision.
Pretend you’re comparing prices.
But for the love of society—don’t commit to full eye contact.
Deodorant Should Not Be Tried On Before Purchasing
I know—you’re thinking WTF.
But this one is based on an actual experience.
I was shopping when I saw a woman pick up a stick of deodorant and ask the man she was with,
“How does this one smell?”
She then:
- Removed the cap
- Applied the unpurchased deodorant
- And allowed him to lean in and sniff her
They must not have liked it, because she calmly put the lid back on and returned it to the shelf.
But sure—let’s pretend we don’t need a handbook.
And yet, here we are—
The Handbook for Humans.
Stay tuned for Volume 2.
Some of these rules should be common sense—but it’s entirely possible common sense is becoming less and less common.
I’m confident I’ll find more rules to add.
⭐ If this made you laugh (or feel uncomfortably seen), tap Like, share it with another human, and subscribe for future volumes of the handbook.
Brain Fog & Brilliance 
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