Who names paint colors?
And more importantly…how does one get a job like that?
Is it one person? A group of people working independently? A committee?
Are there meetings? Vetoes? Checks and balances?
If Joe Jones thinks Mysterious Refrigerator Liquid is the perfect name for a weird pinkish-brown paint, is there anyone in that room who has the authority to say, “No, Joe. Just no…absolutely not. No.”?
Because I have questions.
I’ve decided I would love to have a career naming paint colors. Or crayon colors. Honestly, either one sounds like a fantastic way to earn a living.
Do you need a degree for that?
Maybe a Bachelor of Science in Marketing with a concentration in Naming Stuff. Or maybe a concentration in Namelogical Studies?
Would I be a Namelogist? Or a scientist of Namelogy?
I would say serious things like, “According to the namelogists I have consulted, ‘Aggressively Moist,’ ‘Uncomfortable Silence,’ and ‘Expired Yogurt White’ do not fit the current guidelines provided by the American Namelogical Society of Colorful Scientists.”
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions.
And I’m perfectly okay with that.
Googling it would only ruin the wonderfully ridiculous version that exists in my head.
Before I share my own brilliant paint color ideas, though, I should probably warn you that I’m actually terrible at naming things.
Yes, yes…I know. I named my two kids.
Well…technically, I only named Mae.
Mae named Nick.
His birthday is in December, and I declared there would be absolutely no Santa- or Christmas-themed names. Mae announced she wanted to “name the baby Nicky,” and I folded…
…like a cardboard box left on the lawn during a Category 5 hurricane.
When the kids were little, they loved Webkinz. (If you don’t know what Webkinz are, this is a good time to consult Google. I’m too invested in this post to explain it.)
Because they each had a Webkinz account, I had to have one too. It was actually a lot of fun to play with them.
Naturally, I named all of my Webkinz.
I wanted to name every single one of them Bob, but the kids vetoed that idea.
So I got creative.
I had a little bunny named Stewy.
As in…rabbit stew.
My mother just shook her head at me.
Sorry, Mum.
Honestly, this entire post is her fault.
She’s been talking about painting my old bedroom, which means she keeps talking about paint colors.
And somehow, that paint-colored rabbit hole swallowed me whole and carried me away.
So, with all that being said, I present to you “Heather’s Magical Life-Inspired Designer Paint Collection.”
(Nice, right? Long names like that make things seem special and important…oh, I should add Limited Edition! So: “Heather’s Magical Life-Inspired Limited Edition Designer Paint Collection.” Super important, right?)
And when Heather’s Magical Blah, Blah, Blah Paint Collection goes on sale, it’ll be one of those ridiculous sales where you can buy one can for $97…or two cans for $190.
And you know those paint cans will be small…deceptively small. Just enough paint for one wall…in your daughter’s dollhouse.
What a deal, right?
But before I get into Heather’s MLILEDPC (Heather’s Magical Life-Inspired Limited Edition Designer Paint Collection), I’d like to share a few real paint names.
These are actual paint colors from REAL paint companies. Yes, someone thought of them…and someone else approved them.
Here are a few of my favorites:
Mole’s Breath
Dead Salmon
Elephant’s Breath
Sulking Room Pink
14 Carrots
Dragon’s Breath
Careless Whisper
West Coast Ghost
Why do several of these have “breath” in the name?
When people normally talk about breath, it’s usually not because it smells good.
Do all of these “breath” colors have a faint green sheen?
So, without further ado, I present Heather’s Magical Life-Inspired Limited Edition Designer Paint Collection:
Crocodile’s Snack
Grandma’s Last Jell-O Mold
Warmer and More Existential Beige
Colder and Less Existential Beige
Judgy GPS
Shriveled Old Man Toenails
Forgotten Refrigerator Pickle
Aunt Julie’s Overused Plastic Couch
10-Year-Old Boy’s Room
Under-the-Bed Funky Sock
Not Today, B*tches
Mystery Freezer Meat
Grampy’s Suspenders
Should That Have Hair?
OMG Dog Breath
Unfortunately, these colors are still making their way through the Official Namelogical Process, so I cannot disclose any further details. Announcing the color descriptions would create a mountain of backlogged paperwork…and no one wants that to happen.
So while none of these fantastic colors have received official approval and you cannot paint your bedroom Not Today, Btches* with stripes of Grandma’s Last Jell-O Mold, there are some real crazy paint names that already exist.
So go paint that room you keep saying you want to redo…maybe Mole’s Breath and Dead Salmon? Or 14 Carrots and Dragon’s Breath?
No matter what colors you choose, I’m sure someone will love them…even if it’s the same guy who named Mysterious Refrigerator Liquid.
And who knows? Maybe Shriveled Old Man Toenails, Mystery Freezer Meat, and OMG Dog Breath will be available soon at a hardware store near you.
Now it’s your turn. Leave me a comment and tell me what you would name a paint color!
⭐ If this made you laugh, smile, or question the sanity of the people who name paint colors, I’d love it if you’d leave a like or share it with someone who appreciates wonderfully ridiculous rabbit holes.
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